Encouraging Verses Discouraging Behavior: How You Respond to Your Child Effects Their Behavior

You’re enjoying a nice morning at Target when your toddler asks for a new toy. You respond, “I’m sorry, we’re not going to get a new toy today, but we can look at the toys if you would like.” Commence meltdown, and a lot of strangers are staring. You give in and agree to a new toy to avoid embarrassment. “Ok, but just a small one,” you say.

Crying, whining, and other deflating behaviors make us uncomfortable. On top of this, you’re probably flooded with thoughts like, “What are other people thinking about me as a parent?”

Let’s look at the situation through a behavioral lens. 

Why is my child throwing a fit?

“…their behavior is telling you they do not have the skills or tools to handle the situation.”

What is your child trying to communicate?  

Besides your child wanting a new toy, their behavior is telling you they do not have the skills or tools to handle the situation.

There are three things to look for in this situation: 

1) Notice if this situation is a pattern. 

• Do you give in consistently when your child throws a tantrum? If so, why? And understand that it is normal to want to escape the situation, as feelings of anxiety and stress lead to avoidance. We’ve all been there, and we’ve all done it.

2) Look at the context of the situation. 

• Most of the time, it is reasonable for children to be upset. Sympathize with your child by apologizing and keep your response short and simple.  “I’m sorry we cannot get a new toy today.”

3) Teach your child the tools to navigate the situation successfully. 

• Try saying something like, “You seem very upset. Let’s take three deep breaths together to help you calm down. Wee can continue looking at the toyswhen you're calm  or go home. It’s your choice.”

Lastly, be patient with yourself and your child. Even the best mechanic in the world can only build a car with the proper tools. We cannot expect our children always to be successful, but we can do our best to set them up for success. Success will not happen all at once, and just like the best mechanic in the world, it takes practice and patience.